“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
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just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten