What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
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My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.