[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
You Might Also Like
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.