if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
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ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
concern
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Always the camel, never the toe.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Social Media and Real life
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.