I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
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[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.