Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
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Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
*pokes sex life with a stick
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”