I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
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“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!