I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
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Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one