Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
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Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you