If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
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I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for