Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
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2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy