The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
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saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?