THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
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My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..