You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
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I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Name another movie that mislead you?
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no