“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
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I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Bruh PLEASE
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared