ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
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There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…