My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
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The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.