My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
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I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation