To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
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HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is