I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
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M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
mathematically impossible
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
it be like that
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
crying
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything