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I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
I beg your pardon?
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Labreador
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what