My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
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Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?