broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
You Might Also Like
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me