Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
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6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
HERE’S MARKY
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.