Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
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[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt