[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
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A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.