If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
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when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
we’re gonna need another temp
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem