I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
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When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Y’all know who you are.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.