MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
You Might Also Like
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.