“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
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The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..