Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
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*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
I am yelling
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?