I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
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*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.