The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
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When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
goldfish mafia
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst