If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
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HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
the official breakfast of 2021
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.