[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
You Might Also Like
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.