police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
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Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
I was bored.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
you gotta be faster
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Deer are just ballerina dogs
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.