Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
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Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Skills
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein