Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
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boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace