My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
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[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
I think we should hear other voices.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed