So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
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[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
it must be school picture day
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.