Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
You Might Also Like
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
This is Sparta
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.