Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
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I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
There’s always that one guy
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
lmfao
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.