Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
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cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days