In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
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Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline