Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
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AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.