(Electricians.)
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Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.