H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
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Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”