“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
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A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.