A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
You Might Also Like
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Time heals everything 🙂
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.