Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
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Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
felt that
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
got so much cardio in today
Jogging
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store